Prozac

**WARNING!!: RANT AHEAD!!**

Fuck those who play mind games. Fuck those who are unethical. Fuck those who gained on other people's losses. Fuck those who think they can control the world. Hell, fuck everything. I'm so fucking frustrated and dissappointed at myself. I want to cry my heart out but my tear glands aren't working today. I want to think about how much of a failure I am but the long weekend sugar-coats even the most depressing situation.

I thought I knew everything, but I know nothing. I thought things will always go my way, in the end, it hardly does. I thought I would turn out to be someone I've always wished I would be, instead I loathe and disgust myself.

Right now, I wish I've never exists in this world.

Pom-poms

I can't get this darn song out of my head no matter how hard I try. It has been imprinted in my head for the last whole week, and with the tacky lyrics, it shall be the song of the week.

Uh huh, this my shit
All the girls stomp your feet like this

(Chorus)
A few times I've been around that track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
Cause I ain't no hollaback girl
I ain't no hollaback girl

Oooh, this my shit, this my shit

I heard that you were talking shit
And you didn't think that I would hear it
People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up
So I'm ready to attack, gonna lead the pack
Gonna get a touchdown, gonna take you out
That's right, put your poms-poms down, getting everybody fired up

Repeat chorus

So that's right dude, meet me at the bleachers
No principals, no student- teachers
Both of us want to be the winner, but there can only be one
So I'm gonna fight, gonna give it my all
Gonna make you fall, gonna sock it to you
That's right, I'm the last one standing, another one bites the dust

Repeat chorus

Let me hear you say, this shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This shit is bananas
B-A-N-A-N-A-S (x3)

Repeat chorus

On a side note, I'm in love with a LeSportsac bag that screams "BUY ME" everytime I walked past it. Luckily the price sort of stop me dead from actually swiping the almighty plastic card for it. Sangat mahal la. If I did really bought the bag, it would be catrastrophy. Who knows what the heck I will buy next time? I would descend into the habit of spending more than what I could afford and shrugging off the responsibilty of having to pay the bill myself. That's like, fucked up. So no 500 bucks bag. Well, for now, heh.

Reminiscence

I got this cheap sense of thrill when I literally broke my curfew with a sledgehammer last night, remembering the feeling of being rebellious back when I was in high school. Thinking back on my behaviours then, I must have looked like the biggest idiot of Form 5. I refused to pass up any homeworks of those subjects I deemed useless or hated. I think I was blacklisted by my accounts teacher for that. I would skip school(a lot) for no particular reason other than having a bad hair day or bad skin day, or just because I want a few more hours of sleep. I would also skip afternoon class sessions because I was eager to return the rented comics so I could get new ones. I even skipped a few SPM trial papers so that I could go home early and watch TV.

I couldn't come up with a reason for what I did, I just knew that Form 4 was the worst year of high school life I ever had. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown from the combination of sheer boredness, alienation, failling grades and low self-esteem. I was an outcast. I dreaded school life. I was afraid of it. I couldn't handle the teasings and finger pointings so I opted the coward's way: skip school. I was the champion holder of "the most no. of days absent" for that year. I don't know if my parents figured something was wrong and kept a blind eye or they thought I was just a weakling and kept falling sick(that's my usual excuse). Form 5 has its ups and downs, but nonetheless slightly better.

Phew, that was one big-arse rant. Shitty high-school life or not, I'm still glad I get to know some of the most wonderful buddies I can ever have, and to all the teachers that has teached me, I will never kiss your saggy sorry ass to get better marks in exams. The pet student thing totally irks me, but that's another story for another day. I'm off to download more animes and happy weekend everyone.

Lousy

Was down with a fever and stomach infection last weekend. That ruined my plan of going out for pak kut teh with my girls. Stupid virus.

Today's weather was just fucked up. I'm sitting in an AC room but I'm still sweating. A shower this morning before work helped a lot though. Work was terrible. I'm in a bad mood. I feel miserable. Right now I just want to dissappear from the surface of this planet and blend myself into the air. Even if it's just for a few minutes. I just need someone to hug me tight and make my worries and mistakes go away. I want to be strong, but I can't. I want to feel emotionless, but I can't. I want to live in my little fantasy world but we all know that it doesn't exists.

What a lousy day to start the week.

Bitch

Wanted to pay my dermatologist a visit but couldn't find the time to schedule an appointment. The fella's a big diva too. I've seen him shooed an old lady out of his room before. Yes, shooed. The old lady was asking too many irrelevant questions, and Mr. Diva there got really impatient. Bitch's smug and real evil too: "You're still a student right? Students will always have pimple one, don't worry. Wait until you start working........(cue evil laughter)"

And I wonder why he's still single, despite being young, rich, not-bad looking and hello, a doctor.

And it also makes me wonder why I'm still single.

Clouds

I don't feel good lately. Work was extremely stressful, making me all tired and gloomy by the end of the day. My social life is pratically non-existent. The last time I saw my friends was a few weeks back. They don't even appear on MSN anymore. The only thing that's keeping me going is my comics. With them, I can indulge myself in a surreal, fantasy world where everything and everyone is perfect, including myself . I'll go to bed basking in this wishful thinking where I'm what I WISH I was, before being jolt back to reality by the alarm the next morning.

The reality where the passage to a perfect life is not all smooth and easy. In fact, its bumpy and has more potholes than your average Malaysian roads. Will I be suceessful in my career?? Will I be financially comfortable?? Will I succeed in life?? Will I be alone?? When I think of all these unsettling thoughts, it freaks me out quite a lot. I may not come from a super-rich family, but until now, I've been living a sheltered life. I have everything I need handed to me free of charge, I don't need to worry about my college fees and living expenses, nor my siblings. I don't need to worry about paying rent or bills. Basically I have nothing to worry about, but here I am, shit worry about all these pitter patter.

I admire a very close friend of mine, who for the sake of anonymosity, let's call her M. M pays her college fees, rent, and bills from her own pocket. Money she saved up from working during school breaks back in the high school days. M recently admit something that shocked me: " Z, I'm worried about my younger siblings. By the end of this year, 2 of them are pried for college. My parents' savings has been spend on me and my older siblings education, now they're expecting us to support the younger ones. My older siblings have their own family to support, the burden is now on me."

Fuck damn, it was a fucking wake up call for me. I felt so ashamed. There I was splurging my dad's hard-earned money on a fucking RM400 bag while my friend is worried about supporting her sibling's education.

I told my brother about M's situation later that night (M's younger brother is a friend of his), he was quiet. Quiet and perplexed. I think he didn't realized that not ALL people are rich ee sai zhou like him or most of his friends. When your buddies are either son of a certain listed company's boss or the family runs a big, sucessful business, I don't think the word "money problems" exists in their world. Heck, he's a middle class compared to them.

I finally got this darn thing off my back, but I still feel all down and depressed. Excuse me, while I go have a puff and wish the day would whirl by faster. So I could go home, ignore the voice of the Bloomberg news anchor and sleep off this depressing feeling.